Trust Issues by Kristal Clark
June 15, 2015
Rock Paper Scissors Foundation
Trust Issues always have a root cause. I am a firm believer that you cannot heal beyond the point of what is being concealed. As I started my healing journey, I had to first find the seed that harvested my trust issues. I decided to take a journey back through time in order to confront what was affecting my present self-esteem, relationships, business decisions etc.
As I looked back, I recalled having the most loving, nurturing, devoted and beautiful mother a girl could ask for. She took such pride and joy in raising my baby sister and I while my dad provided for the family. Mom was very much in love with Jesus; almost to the point of trying to be perfect. I remember at the age of 4 being dressed up in those really pretty, big and fluffy dresses, decorative socks, and sparkly barrettes. Because my mom strived for perfection, I was dressed to always look my best which in turn caused me to strive for unachievable perfection. I felt like I had to be dressed up so much on the outside and didn’t know how to make my inside and outside match. My baby sister seemed to have the trick under her belt though. As much as I was happy for her multiple successes, it created a deeper issue within me. It made me strive even harder toward perfection.
My mom was also super overprotective and kept my sister and I very close to her. Because of this, I didn’t spend a lot of time away from home. However, there was one person that my mother did have a trusting heart towards which was my godmother. She treated me just like I was hers. While at my godmother’s home, I would play with her stepdaughter, Sabrina, who was 14 years old. I will never forget the day that she and I played in her bedroom with the door closed. Oh how I wish that door had been left open. She went from tickling me to removing my under garments. I went from laughing to gasping. I didn’t understand what was happening to me but I knew I felt different. A feeling I couldn’t then really understand. I knew that something wasn’t right. I became confused. Perhaps my pretend smile told on me because Sabrina warned me not to tell. She did things to me that a young girl should never experience. At that young age, it felt like the worst tummy ache of my whole life. I remember being numb. Everything changed for me that day. I started seeing the world totally different. A 4 year old little girl was introduced to grownup experiences.
My parents had no idea of the abuse. Sabrina’s words weighed heavy in my heart for years; constantly echoing “don’t tell”. I temporarily kept my vow to Sabrina and remained mute. No matter how much home training my mom had given me, I chose to listen to the words of someone that only impacted a very small part of my life. To this day, closed doors still reflect darkness and secrets to me.
I wish I could say that I passed the test of life and this incident gave me my victory crown but it didn’t. After this first time of sexual abuse, it seemed like every time I turned around it was happening again. As life would have it, I had more lessons to learn about trusting and forgiveness.
Stay tuned for next month’s blog to see how tragedy turned into triumph.